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confused

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there are too many doors that are open that you would walk into. why would you walk into mine?









maybe i should just close it.

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numb

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you know youre having issues when your pee still smells like smirnoff and beer after 4 nights;

i have run out of words to describe how good incubus were that night. yes, even up til now i wonder if i'd really seen them live. in the flesh. 

checking my bank account today and finding 90 dollars missing confirmed that i was really there though.

KARI BYRON OF THE MYTHBUSTERS IS TOO FUCKING HOT TO BE TRUE.

sometimes there are some things or facts or memories you dont want to read see, or recall. but you feel this urge; this unseen force that edges you closer and closer to clicking that link or flipping that page. and you just do it before you even know it because you cannot help it. and when you do it, you dont stop until youre done and back at where it all started.


this just happened to me today. and shit you dont want to be me man. 




YOU GOTTA FIGHT THAT URGE. FUCKING BEAT IT. 




or at least make sure your brain purges what your eyes want to process.

p.s. your words dont touch me anymore.

p.s. dont kill another man on the inside again.

p.s. be content with what you have and not ask for what you lost, while youre on greener pasture.

p.s. there is no need to hide anything from anyone anymore.

p.s. i dont need explanations; i/we just need closure.

p.s. so save me from further BS.

p.s. i ____ you.

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ecstatic

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first my nose, then my throat starts bleeding too. soon my ears my eyes my organs my lungs my liver will get in on it too. 

i think i have fucking cancer. start writing eulogies, close friends of mine.

sometimes i really dont know what i am doing. to myself. i see paths ahead of me; all of which lead to brick walls. the long winding path i once took turned out to be a journey, which eventually ended abruptly. i thought i saw life, love and all that was beautiful in that journey. but i never foresaw the dead end. 



i am now just standing instead. i dont even know when i would ever want to take a walk again. 



38 months vanessa, a week from now. did i try to be a hero? which heroic attribute was i portraying to you? you had no idea how vulnerable i was when you said what you said to me. what transpired between us will transpire again. how many times would we want to fuck ourselves over? how would things be right now had we made different decisions? would i still be there to kiss you until the smile escapes from your lips everytime you pouted? would your face fit the frame of my hands everytime i reached out for it. will our unique displays of affection still be something so natural and reflexive? will there ever be another secret garden, another cake with something coporate lyrics, another roller coaster ring proposal, another black book, another christmas tree at my doorstep, another person telling us we were made for each other, another letter i write to you on my colongne bottle, another failed photo attempt with me, another horror movie we watch through the fabric of your sweater. another US?




at this point youre probably crying, even bawling. your tears represent the floodgate of memories that came with all that i mentioned above. the shirts i wear everytime you cry are probably yearning to have a taste of home if they had a life of their own. but i just had to tell you that im not dealing with this that well either.i just had to put it to you the way im thinking it right now.i just want you to finally understand why we are no more.i just dont want to rip off the pages of our novel when it's apparently ended, only to tear off the pages where we end, and try to continue from where we left off. we do not have all the paper in the world. the pages might just have run out for us.



no one is drowning in the beauty of the colours i paint with my words. no one has fallen for the way i am. no one has even come close to me to ever tear at the scent of my skin. no one probably will. i am too afraid to fail, i have tried to fall again, sometimes forgetting with intention about the fact that my wounds have ceased to heal. no one will ever fall for me the way you did.



i do not have the heart nor the guts or the capacity to try to love anymore. i just do not want to love and not be loved. trusted. and no one will love me for me again. i will never be good enough for anyone after you. it has been great. we were perfect. were.




























maybe im just under the influence of alcohol. maybe the words i churn from my keyboard were based on events purely fictional, and any resemblance to actual heartbreak is purely coincidental.

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thoughtful

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i hear people who tell me how much they hate life.

i have friends who tell me how much they hate their parents and they want them to die.

i know of fools who search desperately for true love on the 14th of february.



people, you do not exactly hate your life. life actually hates you at any chosen point in time as and when he/she/it desires. be at peace with yourself. life eventually gets sick of hating you and only then will you reap its rewards. like a dreaded disciplinarian, life never gets off your ass if you dont learn from your mistakes. so remember, you dont hate life. you have no reason or right to.

friends, you do not hate your parents. they give you so much shit sometimes. they deprive you of the things you want to do. they rob you of your freedom and they make you look like idiots in front of your friends. but wait til the day no one does that to you anymore. when you come home to a house with no raised voices agitated banter. when you dont even see or have your parents anymore. do not wait til that happens before you abolish your parent-hating thoughts. i can only tell my father how much i love him by looking at a slab of stone with his picture on it. now tell me how much you can hate your parents. 

fools, everyday can be your valentines day if you want it to be. there is no special occasion to love, to give flowers, to have a nice dinner, to peel off the paper wrapping of the 50 cent ice cream cone from macdonalds for your loved one. or for the one you eventually grow to love. true love comes to you when you least expect it to, and hits you in the hardest and most beautiful way. 




learn to love, and do it the right way. because without love you wont survive.